Author Topic: Spam thread.  (Read 8643 times)

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Offline TanisNikana

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Spam thread.
« on: September 07, 2009, 08:51:47 pm »
Hi, I'm back.

Also:

Did something I really regetted, participated in a spam eating contest. Didn't much like it, even though I won. In bathroom now, several hours and a half bottle of Bismol after the fact. Lemme 'splain.

As many of you are aware, on most forums there is the opportunity to post large amounts of meaningless [Edit by JeffT, Moderator: Removed offensive language], like "LOL" or "idc" as a single worthless post. This, as we all know, is called spam.

But that's not the point. At the kumoricon forum meetup panel that I went to, the forum's number one spammer was sitting behind a place setting, his name was Mustash, as in mr_mustash, and the fellow running the panel is this guy called Tom the Fanboy. Now, Mustash is the Kumoricon forums' biggest spammer. And so Mustash was the champion of the previous year, having eaten an entire block of spam faster than his opponent.

Mustash was waiting for a challenger. Immediately everyone in the room* suggested that "Tanis should do it," and, well, I had never eaten spam before, and I didn't know what it would taste like, only really knowing that it was something posing as meat. I took my seat at the place setting opposite Mustash and took my knife and fork, one in each hand, and banged them against the table repeatedly, just like orphans in movies do when they demand food. It was freaking go time was what it was.

And Tom said to the crowd that there was a surprise beverage that we could use to wash down the spam with, and he took the lid off the mini cooler, and pulled out two cans. I eyed them up as a cheap generic lemon-lime soda at first, until Tom was careful enough to point them out and made sure everyone in the room understood that no, in fact they were cans of Big K Lemon-Lime Sparkling Water.

I knew better, I didn't touch the stuff. Who am I kidding, I don't know nothin', I'm in a spam eating contest.

And I was eyeing Mustash in the face and getting ready to kick some butt and to chew and not put my mind to whatever it tastes like and pretending that Spam was in fact bacon and that bacon is tasty and good. Mustash, for whatever reason, didn't really seem all that gung-ho about it.

So Tom waved us off and said go and I tore open my can of spam and shoved my spoon in. Now, there's videos of all this stuff on youtube, when they come up I will totally link you guys, but I shoved my spoon in that spam and tried to pull out a chunk. It didn't really work that way, but it slid out as a whole brick of spam. Sure, not to plan, whatever. I tried to lift the spoon out of the block of spam and that didn't work either, in that the spam came up with the spoon. Cries of "lollipop it!" abound.

So I took a huge freaking bite, my first bite of spam. You know how dog food tastes? That's half. The other half is pure salt. It was mind over matter from here on out, folks, that's how bad it was. Chomp, chew chew swallow, chew chew swallow, chomp repeat. Go go go, gotta beat Mustash.

And I look over at him, and he's cracking open his soda, and he's drinking it, remarking about how awful it was, and he would cut just a little bit away from his spam brick at a time, and eat it just like a decent civilized person.

Got massive bites coming off my spoon, and before too long I'm a bit worried that I'm gonna bite into the spoon. Seperate spoon and spam, deploy the fork really loudly, continue having at. Ate the last bite of spam four minutes after Tom said go.

That was really cool, got first place, and one of my prizes was a can of bacon spam. The other was Pepto Bismol. Heh. And so I decided while I waited for Mustash to finish eating his stupid spam that I would eat the bacon spam right in front of him, hoping to double lap him. And I started in on the bacon spam, and the sheer saltiness of the spam got all into my sinuses and made it all terrible, made me shudder and made it hard to chew and swallow. Felt like I was gonna barf. And so with really good judgment, I stopped eating of the bacon spam. Best idea ever.

Mustash never did finish. But in a spam-eating contest, there are no winners, only losers.

[Edit by JeffT, Moderator: Removed offensive language]
« Last Edit: September 10, 2009, 08:50:07 pm by JeffT »

Offline MiriaRose

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2009, 08:53:30 pm »
I remember this~
"Would you kindly. ."

Offline reppy

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2009, 08:55:40 pm »
I feel sick just reading that.

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Offline Darknight2433

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2009, 08:56:08 pm »
Copy-paste, copy-paste.

And why are you back on the forums, yo?

Offline TanisNikana

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2009, 08:58:44 pm »
Copy _and_ edit the cuss words, mind you.

Also I'm back because I

Offline MiriaRose

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2009, 09:00:15 pm »
Tanis, did you say Candlejack? You idi
"Would you kindly. ."

Offline TanisNikana

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2009, 09:02:15 pm »
What are you talking about? I never mentioned Candlejack not even once. I was just describing how I got back on the

Offline Darknight2433

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2009, 09:04:13 pm »
Lame answer, oh well.

And copy-edit is still copy-paste.

Offline TanisNikana

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2009, 11:03:22 pm »
And most folks don't have access to the place where this originated from. (tanisnikana.livejournal.com, for the interested.)

Offline makichan

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2009, 11:07:06 pm »
Tanis... you love attention, don't you?
lololol
Any excuse, any length... you're a ham, sir! XD
I wish I could've been there.
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Offline TanisNikana

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2009, 11:08:15 pm »
Tanis... you love attention, don't you?
lololol
Any excuse, any length... you're a ham, sir! XD
I wish I could've been there.
I get too much attention as it is. ^_^

Offline makichan

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #11 on: September 07, 2009, 11:13:42 pm »
Pffft. Typical from a ham lol.
"I like the way you fire that gun."
"Thanks. I like the way you take a bullet."

Offline Cassiopeia

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #12 on: September 08, 2009, 05:51:00 pm »
 :D Tanis, you never cease to amuse me.
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Offline Sugarlat

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #13 on: September 08, 2009, 05:53:36 pm »
I just can't believe I read all of that -A-

Offline Dubaby

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #14 on: September 08, 2009, 05:56:52 pm »
And Tom said to the crowd that there was a surprise beverage that we could use to wash down the spam with, and he took the lid off the mini cooler, and pulled out two cans. I eyed them up as a cheap generic lemon-lime soda at first, until Tom was careful enough to point them out and made sure everyone in the room understood that no, in fact they were cans of Big K Lemon-Lime Sparkling Water.

I knew better, I didn't touch the stuff. Who am I kidding, I don't know nothin', I'm in a spam eating contest.

That soda was disgusting..... I tried a bit once it started passing around and whoever said it tasted like a moist towlette had it spot on.

Yet somehow, someway, my friend found the soda appealing. She obviously has terrible taste in drinks XD
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Offline Hidamari

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #15 on: September 08, 2009, 06:41:32 pm »
That was amusing until it made the room stink. You have my utmost respect.
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Offline superjaz

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #16 on: September 08, 2009, 08:18:07 pm »
there were flies after
superjaz, that is jaz with one z count'um ONE z!
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Offline leonmasteries

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #17 on: September 08, 2009, 08:34:49 pm »
god, I was sitting in the front row watching this. I will never try spam just because if the causes are already bad, just think how bad it actually tastes, but I have to hand it to you, you are braver than I am.

Offline MiriaRose

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #18 on: September 08, 2009, 08:36:31 pm »
This thread disgusts me immensely.
"Would you kindly. ."

Offline TanisNikana

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #19 on: September 08, 2009, 08:38:11 pm »
PRIDE

Offline DancingTofu

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #20 on: September 08, 2009, 09:47:44 pm »
I'll bring two bricks of raw Tofu next year.

I'll eat my two bricks of tasteless, raw, slimy tofu in half the time it takes you to eat one can of spam.

AND THAT'S A CHALLENGE.
moderators gonna moderate </shrug>

Offline makichan

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #21 on: September 08, 2009, 09:48:55 pm »
god, I was sitting in the front row watching this. I will never try spam just because if the causes are already bad, just think how bad it actually tastes, but I have to hand it to you, you are braver than I am.
Hey, don't knock spam until you try it thinly sliced and fried.
That's nummy :>
Raw spam though... in huge chunks... my body would riot against me.
"I like the way you fire that gun."
"Thanks. I like the way you take a bullet."

Offline leonmasteries

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #22 on: September 08, 2009, 09:59:55 pm »
god, I was sitting in the front row watching this. I will never try spam just because if the causes are already bad, just think how bad it actually tastes, but I have to hand it to you, you are braver than I am.
Hey, don't knock spam until you try it thinly sliced and fried.
That's nummy :>
Raw spam though... in huge chunks... my body would riot against me.

the reason I don't eat spam to begin with is because if you eat it, it tends to cause a bad bodily oder that won't go away until the spam leaves your system, and my friends and I have tested this theory out. As it seems, all my friends who eat spam regularly, always smelt bad, even after showering and putting on new clothes, and one time, my friend who almost never eats spam, was forced to do to his mother in law, and his body wreaked, even after a shower. So that's why I refuse to eat it.

Offline makichan

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #23 on: September 08, 2009, 10:14:50 pm »
god, I was sitting in the front row watching this. I will never try spam just because if the causes are already bad, just think how bad it actually tastes, but I have to hand it to you, you are braver than I am.
Hey, don't knock spam until you try it thinly sliced and fried.
That's nummy :>
Raw spam though... in huge chunks... my body would riot against me.

the reason I don't eat spam to begin with is because if you eat it, it tends to cause a bad bodily oder that won't go away until the spam leaves your system, and my friends and I have tested this theory out. As it seems, all my friends who eat spam regularly, always smelt bad, even after showering and putting on new clothes, and one time, my friend who almost never eats spam, was forced to do to his mother in law, and his body wreaked, even after a shower. So that's why I refuse to eat it.
How much did you guys eat?
I've never had a strange odor from it O.o;
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"Thanks. I like the way you take a bullet."

Offline leonmasteries

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #24 on: September 08, 2009, 10:16:07 pm »
I really don't know, because like I said, I never ate it, but the one's who had the bad smell normally ate it daily, and the one that was forced to eat it had to eat it because it was mixed in the meal.

Offline DancingTofu

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #25 on: September 08, 2009, 10:30:35 pm »
I will, no joke

I'll go to Safeway 20 minutes before the panel and buy two 12oz bricks of Tofu, and I'll eat them, head-to-head with any challenger.
moderators gonna moderate </shrug>

Offline leonmasteries

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #26 on: September 08, 2009, 10:33:38 pm »
yes, I want to see that. What's worse is that the feeling in your mouth alone makes you want to throw up, it's not even taste, it's just the feeling that will get to you.

Offline TanisNikana

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #27 on: September 08, 2009, 11:04:57 pm »
I will slaughter you, Tofu, I will devour my can of spam before you eat your bricks.

We will do this at MEW.

Offline MiriaRose

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #28 on: September 08, 2009, 11:08:43 pm »
You guys had better film that; I wanna watch it.
"Would you kindly. ."

Offline DancingTofu

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #29 on: September 08, 2009, 11:22:37 pm »
It will happen.

Closing Ceremonies has a new event.
moderators gonna moderate </shrug>

Offline princessmoon

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #30 on: September 08, 2009, 11:27:10 pm »
Firm tofu or soft silken tofu? :P  the latter can be eaten REAL fast....experience tells me. hehe.
And so it begins...

Offline DancingTofu

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #31 on: September 08, 2009, 11:29:44 pm »
Firm.  It needs to be roughly the same consistency as Spam in order to be fair.
moderators gonna moderate </shrug>

Offline TanisNikana

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #32 on: September 08, 2009, 11:31:17 pm »
I WILL WIN

Offline MiriaRose

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #33 on: September 08, 2009, 11:31:41 pm »
xDD I can't wait to see this!
"Would you kindly. ."

Offline DancingTofu

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #34 on: September 08, 2009, 11:33:45 pm »
We will prove that Tofu beats Spam any day. 8)
moderators gonna moderate </shrug>

Offline MiriaRose

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #35 on: September 08, 2009, 11:36:18 pm »
Hey, wait. If Tanis beat Mustash at a spam eating contest, does this mean he's the new king of spam?
"Would you kindly. ."

Offline TanisNikana

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #36 on: September 08, 2009, 11:37:55 pm »
Yes, yes it does.

Offline DancingTofu

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #37 on: September 08, 2009, 11:38:29 pm »
No, it just means he's the Lord Glutton of Ye Conne.
moderators gonna moderate </shrug>

Offline MiriaRose

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #38 on: September 08, 2009, 11:39:09 pm »
Aw. Oh well.
"Would you kindly. ."

Offline princessmoon

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #39 on: September 08, 2009, 11:41:36 pm »
We will prove that Tofu beats Spam any day. 8)

TOFU WILL BEAT SPAM ANY SECOND!

Well, if ya wanna be fair, you would need to add the same salt content to the tofu....no?  :P  *uhhhhhgh*
And so it begins...

Offline MiriaRose

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #40 on: September 08, 2009, 11:43:13 pm »
Yeah, add two pounds of salt to it!
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Offline TanisNikana

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #41 on: September 08, 2009, 11:45:38 pm »
And the tofu needs to be sitting in a fridge filled with dog food for a week. You know, so it tastes the same.

Offline Naruchan

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #42 on: September 08, 2009, 11:56:28 pm »
lawl I will film it for you.
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Offline leonmasteries

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #43 on: September 09, 2009, 12:53:58 am »
I'm still waiting for the forum meet up panel to be put onto youtube, because it was filmed all the way through.

Offline DancingTofu

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #44 on: September 09, 2009, 01:35:13 am »
I'll add exactly as much salt as there is in the Spam.

In the form of straight 2oz shots of soy sauce.

On the condition that Tanis matches me shot-for-shot drinking straight shots of lemon-lime sparkling water.
moderators gonna moderate </shrug>

Offline leonmasteries

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #45 on: September 09, 2009, 01:45:27 am »
oh god, and this time, let's see, what should the drink be? It has to be drinkable, yet bad in so many ways... How about Powdered Milk?

Offline DancingTofu

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #46 on: September 09, 2009, 01:47:16 am »
Soy Sauce for me, the same for him.  I just need to have the added Sodium content.
moderators gonna moderate </shrug>

Offline leonmasteries

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #47 on: September 09, 2009, 01:47:58 am »
but to much sodium can kill, which is why you need something that won't inevitably kill you.

Offline DancingTofu

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #48 on: September 09, 2009, 01:52:30 am »
Well, it'll be limited to the exact amount of sodium as he has in the Spam, so I won't be at risk for death. ;]

Certainly less so than the ramen-eating contest. :P
moderators gonna moderate </shrug>

Offline leonmasteries

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Re: Spam thread.
« Reply #49 on: September 09, 2009, 01:54:44 am »
ya, but like I said, we still need to come up with something for you two to drink during this competition, something bad for our enjoyment.