Author Topic: a funny joke.  (Read 1931 times)

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Offline allstarsniper32

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a funny joke.
« on: November 14, 2008, 05:00:13 am »
A man from maine heads to florida for a weekend trip; his wife is coming to meet him the next day. He gets to his room, sets up his laptop, and sends her a short e-mail to let her know he has arrived. Unfortunately, he makes a typo in the address and his note is sent to the elderly wife of a minister who just died. When the grieving widow checks her e-mail later that day, she lets out a scream and falls to the floor. Her children come rushing in to find the following on her screen:

Dearest Wife
    I have just arrived. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you.
                                                         Your Loving Husband
P.S. It sure is hot down here!

----------------------------------------
So what do you think? I laughed so hard when I first read it!

oslapedo

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Re: a funny joke.
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2008, 06:49:34 am »
LAWL!

Offline Washougal_Otaku

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Re: a funny joke.
« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2008, 12:12:46 am »
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
I think I made my point.
* TanisNikana has modified this post to prevent page stretching.
« Last Edit: November 27, 2008, 12:24:20 am by TanisNikana »
My cosplay plans for 2022 (thus far): Vanir from Konosuba
My son's plans this year (thus far): Penguin Chiyo-chan from Azumanga Daioh

Offline Deviant Spider

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Re: a funny joke.
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2008, 10:10:07 am »
hillarious. LOVE it. :D :D :D
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Offline DancingTofu

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Re: a funny joke.
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2008, 10:17:21 am »
Worth a chuckle.
moderators gonna moderate </shrug>

Offline Wuntvor

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Re: a funny joke.
« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2008, 02:49:11 pm »
Guitarherolover32 - Mind if I turn this into a joke posting thread?  This is actually a list of English grammar rules, I think you all will enjoy this.  Rem, this one is for you!   ;D

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Hey, since we're now living in the time of e-mail and the more common use of the written language, it is time for an English lesson.

So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish:

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).

6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.

11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should never generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

P.S. - I enjoyed your joke, I think I have heard it before.  I am looking for another pastor joke I have that it reminded me of.  I will post it here if I find it.
(\,@/)  Quote from -  Rock & Rule
(=','=)  Stretch: MOK! Don't let him get us!  He'll put a heck on me!
 //_\\   Dizzy:    Hexx, Stretch.  Hexx.
  d b    Stretch: Aw!  Two of them!  That's even worse!

Offline Wuntvor

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Humor: Alien Civilization
« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2008, 03:56:51 pm »
You may not know this, but the radio astronomers down at SETI have finally picked up what appears to be a signal from an alien civilization. It took them months to decode the complex wave packet, but this is what it says (roughly translated):

Simply send 6.02*10^23 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems.  Within one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!

IT REALLY WORKS!

Caution: Do not break this chain.  Xpqtl from Cygnus 3 threw this message away without doing anything and within a sidereal year, his home world was destroyed when its sun unexpectedly went nova. Don't let this happen to you!
(\,@/)  Quote from -  Rock & Rule
(=','=)  Stretch: MOK! Don't let him get us!  He'll put a heck on me!
 //_\\   Dizzy:    Hexx, Stretch.  Hexx.
  d b    Stretch: Aw!  Two of them!  That's even worse!

Offline Wuntvor

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Job Application
« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2008, 04:08:05 pm »
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food restaurant

NAME:
Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available.  If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make me an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I was worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.
(\,@/)  Quote from -  Rock & Rule
(=','=)  Stretch: MOK! Don't let him get us!  He'll put a heck on me!
 //_\\   Dizzy:    Hexx, Stretch.  Hexx.
  d b    Stretch: Aw!  Two of them!  That's even worse!

Offline Wuntvor

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Stress Reduction
« Reply #8 on: November 27, 2008, 04:17:26 pm »
On stress reduction...........   Picture yourself near a stream............  Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air............ Nothing  can bother you here........ No one knows of this secret place......... You are  in total seclusion from that place called "The  World".......   The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity......  The water is clear......   You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water...... Look!!  It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place!!..... What a pleasant surprise!!.....  You let them up.... Just for a quick breath........ Then plop!  Back under they  go!!!!...... You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want......................  There now.........  Feeling  better???
(\,@/)  Quote from -  Rock & Rule
(=','=)  Stretch: MOK! Don't let him get us!  He'll put a heck on me!
 //_\\   Dizzy:    Hexx, Stretch.  Hexx.
  d b    Stretch: Aw!  Two of them!  That's even worse!

Offline jaybug

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Re: a funny joke.
« Reply #9 on: November 27, 2008, 06:51:00 pm »
About the grammar. Get your colons checked regularly!

Have Fun

Jay

Offline DemonSpawn

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Re: a funny joke.
« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2008, 07:33:52 pm »
This is from an e-mail.....


What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on . . .

(These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!)

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
I miss 2010.